Help-Seeking Is Shameful
After weeks, months or possibly years you’ve finally decided to find a therapist. You’ve managed to reduce your hours at work. You’re burnt out. Your relationships are flailing. Maybe you’ve just realized that you don’t know how to relate to your teenaged kids. So, you’ve started googling local therapists in your area.
Noticing that you are struggling and choosing to reach out for help is a big thing to do. Before people come to see me, they have been managing below-par and doing their best to cope with their issues for over several years (if not longer) and during that time they’ve endured relationship breakdowns, increased anxiety and culminating health issues. I think that this is because people are most likely to go to friends and family for support, which let’s face it, in some cases is not always the most supportive or helpful idea. Most of us are time poor, and it can be hard to find the time to get to therapy. Not everyone has the money to afford therapy, especially in this economic climate. And maybe going to therapy still has a bit of a stigma to it, particularly if you are from Southeast Asian or Pacifica cultures like me. In their research, the Gottman’s identified that the average time it takes a couple to attend therapy is seven years, which is an incredible amount of time and additional work for your nervous system to sit with, manage and process. I always appreciate that when someone picks up the phone or emails an inquiry, it’s a huge step that is most likely long overdue.
This can mean that by the time people see me, they’re far gone the early stages of their worries. Maybe they’ve already cheated on their partner and they’re trying to repair things with them. They’re noticing the kids are choosing to spend less and less time with them because they’ve already spent years being reactive and impatient at home due to burn out from work. It’s difficult to feel anything anymore, the body has adapted to being stressed by becoming numb. A big part of the problem is that it’s not common to think about seeking help from a therapist about the build-up of everyday concerns that they’re noticing. Most of us assume that it’s part of adulthood to “figure it out” and “deal with it”, maybe we just avoid acknowledging it by staying distracted and busy (e.g. overworking, drinking, helping others all the time) and we have random beliefs that unless there is a “diagnosis” we shouldn’t be seeing a therapist. We believe that we must be alone in what we perceive to be the everyday worries and stresses and wait for the big stuff to see a therapist.
For some, help seeking is shameful. It can signify weakness or failure. Or maybe it’s not encouraged to go outside of your family for support - which is great if you have a good and supportive family. But many people I see don’t experience their family of origin as being supportive when it comes to getting advice or support, especially if it’s about something that their family might find really difficult to relate to. This can really leave people feel out of step, stuck and like the black sheep of the family. If we had less shame around help seeking, I think that we would obviously be less stressed, less isolated and there would be a greater felt sense of safety in the wider community and we would be able to experience more of who we want to be with greater realness.
Going to therapy isn’t going to magically cure you, but it will help you to feel more settled and validated in your experiences by sitting with someone who is able to help you process in a holding space that is impartial. Over time in a safe and non-judgmental environment you will be able to see yourself in a more helpful way which will hopefully assist to reduce stress and worry.
To book your session with me, please call or email to make your inquiry.